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05 January 2010 @ 11:54 am
it's been a while.  
I never write in this thing but I learn about the lives of people I barely talk to through Live Journal. It's kind of a weird dynamic. Maybe I should start again... I've been in a funk that I can't quite put my finger on. So many unresolved thoughts and feelings that don't seem to have a specific origin. Hopefully the new year will bring some relief.

This Christmas break has been...less than I had hoped. It started off with me working more than I would have liked and now that Target is done, I find myself sitting at home, bored out of my mind, dwelling on little annoyances and bigger worries. The usual "what am I doing with my life" is still floating around in my head, coupled with concerns about my relationship and the future, money and friends (or lack there of) and issues of the self. I feel so far away from everyone, physically and emotionally. I miss my best friend, my close school friends, my past friends (maybe at least just the idea of them) and my boyfriend. Yes, I've seen my best friend and boyfriend. I think I'm just in a rut that I don't know how to get out of. We've all got a lot on our plate and maybe priorities have shifted. All I know is that those two people are my favorite in the world, and regardless of how things have been going lately, all I can hope is that they'll still be around. I feel so unbalanced, so unsure, even though things in my life are pretty solid. Why am I feeling so discontent now that I have what I want? Maybe this feeling will pass, maybe it the result of too little activities and too much time to mull over silly problems.

I hate waiting, I hate the uncertainty. I think I just need a change, something small to get me going again. More than anything I need to change ME, make myself who I want to be. Maybe that's the root of my problem. I feel like my insecurities about my looks and my abilities are getting in the way of some of the best things in my life.

I'm really a lucky girl, I've got friends who care about me and a boyfriend who tells me every day how much he loves me. And I love him too- I feel that what we have has the potential to turn into something really long lasting. He's the person I can see myself with for years to come, someone who I want to be a part of my life. I'm just constantly afraid of messing it up. I've never felt so comfortable or at ease with anyone, even during trying times. He's so forgiving of my faults and my shortcomings, but I feel like I'm letting him down. I'm selfish without intending it and I hold back, which in the long run ends up hurting both of us. I'm afraid I won't be able to give him what he needs even though I'm trying...maybe my efforts go unnoticed or just aren't good enough.

Guess I'll just have to add that to a long list of resolutions for 2010... we'll see how far I get.

It feels good to be writing again. Maybe this is the outlet I've been missing in my life.
Current Location: home
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Lauren...Lodrk_liquid_eyes on January 11th, 2010 03:26 am (UTC)
I had a thought today...I think it's human nature to just not be happy. Not to be unhappy, but just to not be happy. Paranoia is a shitty thing my friend. But it'll all be okay, you are right, you're lucky you've found someone who loves you so much.